irishjeeper: (Default)
Well this post might go one of two ways, so bear with me gang. I might ramble, or I might say it short and sweet.

Back in August of 2003, my mom's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer.She lived 35 minutes from us, and I got to see her at least 3 times a month if not more. I use to stay at her house a couple times a year, just for fun. She had smoked for 60 years of her life. We always begged her to quit, but she said it had to be her choice. Well November of 2002 she finally quit. By then it was too late. Almost a year later she was diagnosed.

I was in Raleigh, NC at the time, living with my brother for a month, looking for a job. My brother and I were due to come home in 4 days, for our cousins wedding. It was a monday night we recieved the news, the same day my dad buried his father.

I use to think that I was a very strong individual. That I could deal with anything sent my way, I found out the one thing that would knock me down. The news that my grandmothers life would end in 6 months shook me so hard. I cried for hours after I found out. In fact two days later I went to my friend Mike's house and ended up breaking down again. He was one of the few, outside of my family, who actually got to see me break down. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my gram in the past few months. Unfortunately the reality of my gram dying took a bigger toll on me then I thought. I became a different person. I stopped calling my friends, stopped wanting to be in public. Stopped riding horses. I basically wanted to curl into a little ball and with the exception of a few people, didn't want anyone to touch me. I'm still like that to an extent, but I'm coming out of this shell of mine. Slowly but surely I'm climbing out.

The past few times I saw my gram were special. We didn't need words or gifts to express ourselves. She knew what was in my mind and heart. We were at peace with eachother and had no grudges. In the wee hours of the morning on December 22nd, 2003 my grandmother finally was able to go home.

Earlier this week I looked to the sky and smiled, I just had a feeling she was watching over me. Crazy I know, but I also know my gram. I had once had an incredible feeling of guilt for not spending the night at her house the night before I left for NC. I never spent another night in her house again. I still have a bit of that guilty feeling, but I know my gram understood then and understands now.

Today was a hard day for some reason. The ability to be fake in front of the office staff is amazing. Paste that smile on and be jolly. Bleh. Luckily the building is small and people here understand what I went through. I really don't know if I would change anything between my gram and I, not even me not staying there before I left for NC. Who know's maybe I would have.

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irishjeeper

April 2011

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